There I was, standing in a dark room made of brick walls. Hands, empty. Spirit, heavy. With no idea of what to do or where to go, I knew exactly who I cried out to.
“Jesus, I need you.”
Sincerity was met with sweet relief as I waited there, knowing the rest would come.
Okay, maybe this did not literally take place. I think it may have been a dream, or a daydream, perhaps even a vision…Regardless, it felt real and this depiction is basically the past month and a half in a nutshell.
“In her agony of mind she went to Him who had never failed her yet, and He gave her guidance.”
I read those words in a biography of Mary Slessor, pioneer missionary to the West Coast of Africa. The truth and the timeliness of it! To put it in plain language, I had hit a wall of discouragement accompanied by a lack of vision for the next season of life. So there I was, in the fog, crying out to Jesus with great desperation and expectancy. After seeking some wise counsel, I started to test some waters for direction. The result of this was finding where I will not be in this next season. In an unconventional way, this was a step towards somewhere.
Amidst all of this, so many feels have been felt and my tear ducts could not testify to a dry season. I mean really, how do you practically prepare to have your heart ripped out? You fasten your seat-belt and hold on to the roller coaster of emotion commonly known as life – that’s how.
Oh and yes, I know, “nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.” Thank you, Coldplay.
So, we embrace the season and we press on – feels and all.
As emotional and confusing as these past weeks have been, I must not fail to mention that growing pains bear fruit in perspective, vision and heart.
It is easy to get carried away with thinking complicated thoughts and obscuring ideas in theology, missions and personal calling but really God just desires that my heart be devoted to Him and Him alone.
“I have one passion and that is Him and only Him.”
– Count Zinzendorf of the Moravian church
True theology (by definition) is all about God. The heart of missions is all about God. A pure, personal calling for missions is all about God. It is His love that compels us, it is His love that sustains us. This is why we do what we do. This is why our hearts tremble and grow in size and stature when we look to Him in all of His glory.
Now friends, as I spend these last couple of weeks at the Zichy Kastely in Vajta, Hungary I have some theology credits to finish up and a few bags to pack. From here, I journey back to America into the unknown. I intend on attending the Calvary Chapel Missions Conference (hope to see you there!), meeting with some pastors and missionaries, and reacquainting with dear ones that I have not properly seen in some years.
In a sense, I really do not know what I am stepping towards, but I do know that God promised to never leave me nor forsake me and He has called me to go and make disciples. So that is exactly what I want to do.
Options are way open and very present. I am in a unique place in which I am committed to no one, no place or no thing. So much freedom, so much possibility. I am only committed to what is most important – my heart is stayed on my God; He is my refuge and He has made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.